Make The Minutes Count
As my friend Kim Potter would always say, “Nobody likes a counter.” And, she’s right.
Player (and parents), if you are counting minutes played, please stop. Be more concerned with what happens in those minutes than with how many minutes were played. If you can tell me how many minutes you played in a game, but can’t tell me what you did in those minutes, you wasted your time.
Show me a counter, and I will show you a player who is putting themselves before, and above, the team. If you can’t tell me what your TEAM did in those minutes, you are focusing on yourself and not the team.
Life is short, and your time spent as an athlete is even shorter. You’ll look back one day, and in the blink of an eye, it will all be gone. I know where I’m going, and when my time here on Earth is done, I won’t be asked, “How many minutes did you play?” But I know I will be asked, “What did you do with the minutes you had?” Sports and life aren’t much different. We are taught life through sports, and life is not about counting the minutes of your life, but making those minutes count.
At the end of the day, will you be counting minutes, or will you be absorbing and soaking in every last minute you have left? In sports, much like in life, we are told to “play until you hear the whistle.” Don’t watch the clock. Don’t count the minutes. Just play. Soak it all in. Be a part of something bigger than yourself.
Play until you hear the whistle.
LOUD NOISES!!
I have a confession that you all must know before you read on. All of these posts that I have written were not originally intended to be for you. They were for me. Selfish, I know. But let me clarify. There have been countless moments in my life as a player, coach, fan, and parent that I have either witnessed or experienced some pretty terrible moments of Leadership. And, because I am not perfect, I have had my own moments of not-so-great Leadership.
So, this an (maybe therapeutic?) outlet for me, and has served as a reminder of what not to do in some moments, and what to do next, in others. I use the word “Coach” often as that is the Leadership world I sit in most often. But make no mistake that “Parent,” “Friend,” “Teammate,” “Fan,” “Colleague,” etc. etc. can easily be transposed for “Coach,” in many, if not most, of these situations and scenarios. In fact, it is when I substitute the word “Parent” that I often cringe and ask myself: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
So I write these blogs not as Moses coming down to deliver the Ten Commandments, but as one of you; and my hope is that we can learn together, and I can share my few nuggets of wisdom in further hopes of leaving this world in a better place.
And with that, I leave you with my next nugget…
LOUD NOISES!!
Raise your hand if you’ve ever sat at an athletics competition and, just after an athlete makes a mistake, you hear the coach yelling:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!??!!!
Sound familiar? Whenever I hear this, I am reminded of one of my favorite scenes from Anchorman:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amrTOsYa4sA
I hope you’ll see the correlation that, in short, it’s just yelling to yell without purpose.
And, no, this is not an actual question meant to elicit an answer. This is called a rhetorical question. For clarity, a rhetorical question is a question that is asked to create dramatic effect, or to make a point rather than to get an answer. So when a coach yells this out, they aren’t really asking said athlete, What are you doing?? They are being dramatic, which then only draws more attention to the mistake, which draws negative attention to that athlete. They aren’t coaching, and they aren’t leading. They are making a scene, usually one that embarrasses the player. Typically, the athlete who makes the mistake already knows the mistake has been made, so there is no need to draw more attention
Good Leadership is about encouraging, guiding, and helping players explore their thought processes and decision making. Good Leadership is NOT asking questions you either DON’T really want an answer to, OR asking a question you already know the answer to. A rhetorical question neither encourages, nor guides.
So the question is: Can we ask questions to help encourage and guide players??
Absolutely!
A good Leader needs to ask questions to both help the athlete understand what they could have done differently, and to help the Leader understand what was going on in their head at the time of the play.
Here are two simple questions a Good Leader can ask that will help guide and explore.
What was going on in your mind?
OR
Can you tell me what happened?
When a coach opens up with a question like either of these, it opens the athlete more for an opportunity to then either encourage or guide. And….AND, the athlete also learns to self assess and not wait for critiques from their coach, or the sideline know-it-all fans:) Instead of fearing mistakes, they learn that mistakes are a necessary part of learning and growing.
When a Coach asks either of these questions calmly and with a posture that is open to listening to an athlete, the Coach is actively wanting to understand what is in the athlete’s head. And, as Stephen Covey has highlighted in “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” Habit 5 is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” And THIS is the root of what a Good Leader is trying to do.
When a coach asks WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? They are making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, which will eventually close off any communication between coach and athlete.
Good Leadership means not asking questions you already know the answer to.
Good Leadership means asking questions that you TRULY want an answer to.
Good Leaders seek first to understand.
Awareness and Empowerment
Wednesday was the first day of school for my 3 kids, and I anxiously awaited their arrival off the bus, and couldn’t wait to ask them how their first day of school went and hear all the details.
Me: “How was your first day??!!”
Them:
“My teacher is so nice!”
“I hate the bus ride!”
“School was boring, as usual.”
Sound familiar? I got all the emotions, which was a great start, but I wanted more. I wanted to know about WHY one thought their teacher was so nice, and WHY the other hated the bus ride, and WHY the other thought school was boring. But it was my fault because I didn’t ask the right question(s). I wanted to know details about their day, not just their feelings about their days. Feelings are great, but sometimes we can linger in a feeling for too long because it’s safe or comfortable. Feelings are almost always associated with an action, and it’s important to understand how actions can affect feelings. Why is this important? It’s important because, as Leaders, it is essential to relate to people AND to know how to take actionable steps forward. It’s important to build awareness and empowerment.
When we ask, “How was your day/practice/meeting?” We are focusing on the feelings surrounding the day/meeting/practice. And, yes, how we all feel is important, but we need to understand why we feel a certain way, and what were the actions associated with. This is paramount because we want to repeat actions and behaviors that lead to positive emotions. We also want to recognize actions and behaviors that lead to “negative” emotions. Understanding what actions we have control over is crucial so that we can repeat OR change them.
As a coach, I am often asking my players to evaluate their training sessions and game performances afterwards to help give both themselves and me insight. And that’s when the lightbulb went off. Why don’t I try this with my kids??
So an hour or so later, I corralled two of my kids and asked them a few questions that I often ask my players at various checkpoints throughout the season. They are:
What went well today?
What didn’t go well today?
What can you change for tomorrow that you have control over?
Folks, the floodgates opened! We laid on the couch as they took turns telling me more and more details about their days - the good and the bad! I learned more about their classes and friend interactions and we began to sift through their emotions, and sort through WHAT they had the ability to change. As a side note, I had to remind them that they could only change what THEY had control over. Aka: Yes, you still have to wake up and go to school tomorrow:)
Asking these 3 simple questions is truly a great tool to help someone evoke self-awareness. Asking action-oriented questions makes someone truly think about what happened vs a general state or feeling.
Typically, I do this with my players at various checkpoints throughout the season, both formally and informally, but I obviously can’t do this every day with all of my players. But what they can do is ask these questions to themselves. Doing this empowers them to make necessary changes, because each individual is responsible for their own emotions, not anyone else in their life. It’s not true that someone can make you mad. No other person can give us agency over our own feelings, but it IS important to recognize the actions that led to this feeling. No one is responsible for your anger besides you; just like no one is responsible for your happiness, besides you.
I get it, though. I’m also a mom and have often used the phrase “My kids make me so frustrated sometimes!” But they don’t. I choose frustration. Just like I could choose to ignore them. Or I (should) choose to be an adult and calmly respond to them. My children should not bear the responsibility and the weight of my emotions, because then they will begin to sing and dance with their behaviors and actions just to make sure I don’t get mad. Or they will skate on fragile ice just to make sure I am happy and in a good mood. When you teach others that their actions and behaviors dictate other people’s feelings, you are teaching them that they have little to no control over their own. As a Leader, your job is to empower others, not deceive and manipulate others into holding the weights of your decisions and emotions.
This leads me to the last two questions you should be asking yourself, your players, your kids, and really anyone else in your circle. While self awareness is of the utmost importance, it is also important to recognize that, as Leaders and as humans, our goal should be to Lead and serve others.
So the next question to ask is: “What did you do FOR or WITH someone today?” This is a really simple question to pose, and if you are struggling to answer it’s because of one of two reasons. 1. You really didn’t do something for or with anyone today….ouch. HOWEVER, I would argue that this is usually not the case and 2. You are being too hard on yourself :) My suggestion when thinking about this is to start simple. Did you ask someone how their day was? Did you sit with someone? Did you hold a door open for another person? Did you share a funny gif? All of these are examples of either doing something FOR or WITH another person. Yes, even sharing that funny gif is an example because you thought that particular person or persons would enjoy it. You wanted to be in community WITH them.
To provide a more clear perspective of WITH and FOR, the opposite would be doing something TO or AT another person. Did you Yell AT someone? Did you make fun of someone? Did you spread a rumor or gossip about someone? That’s certainly not WITH or FOR someone else.
And last, make sure you ask yourself, who are the people in my life that do things WITH or FOR me. This isn’t selfish. This is surrounding yourself with people who will support, encourage, and empower you. This is YOU CHOOSING an action, which will lead to a POSITIVE feeling.
As many of us are getting back into the swing of new teams and a new school year, this is often a good time to reset and ask yourself “How can I better lead myself and others?” I would encourage you to start with these questions:
What went well today?
What didn’t go well today?
What can you change for tomorrow that you have control over?
What did you do FOR or WITH someone today?
Who are the people in your life that do things FOR or WITH you?
Asking questions that go beyond just emotion will help to invoke more awareness on all facets. Asking What can be changed empowers people to have control of their actions and reactions, which will lead to more confidence because they will believe they have power over their life vs someone/something having power over them. And finally, recognizing that, without people to lead, there would be no need for Leaders, so make sure you are WITH people who are also focused on doing FOR others.
Happy beginning of the school year!
Download the free PDF: 10 Questions You Can Ask to Build More Awareness and Empowerment below!
Tryouts
Without a doubt, it’s the worst time of the year. If Christmas had an arch nemesis, it would be tryouts. I have coached travel soccer, and now I am a parent of athletes, and I hate tryouts. It is an awful feeling to cut or choose players for a certain team and then have to call the player or parent and explain to them why their kid is on the “B” or “C” team, when they thought they were an “A” player. Or maybe your kid was on the “A” team last year and was one of the top scorers, but at tryouts all the coaches thought she would be best suited on the “B” team this year. As a parent, you always want what’s best for your kid, so it’s hard to understand why the “B” team might be what’s best; and even harder to have to explain that to your young child. And then like many parents, you begin to question whether or not your current club is the best place for your kid, solely based on a decision made at tryouts by a few coaches.
The hard part is that the decisions at a tryout often feels like an end point because it comes at the conclusion of a season. So it is natural for parents and players to feel like their team placement is a culmination of what has happened the past year. But I do not believe that tryouts are an end point. What I do believe is that tryouts are just part of an ongoing process of learning and growth. I believe that every player has peaks and valleys, some higher than others, and some deeper. I believe that tryouts are a snapshot of where each player is AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Unfortunately, coaches have to place kids on a team to start the season. And do they make mistakes? Of course. So how do you navigate this whole tryout process, and how do you decide if a certain club is what’s best for your kid?
Here are some tips to help you navigate:
1. Player AND Personal Development:
If your club/club directors are only concerned with winning championships and getting your kid a scholarship, and there is no mention of much else, RUN AWAY QUICKLY. EVERY COACH AND CLUB WANTS TO WIN AND GET THEIR KIDS SCHOLARSHIPS!!! But there has to be more. Sports should be a vehicle for growth, and it should teach players how to be good teammates, good leaders, and good people. Sports should teach players how to succeed and also provide an environment where the kids are comfortable enough to fail, knowing they will be applauded for their efforts, and picked up off the grass by their teammates and coaches. If there is no mention about how the club or team will help your kid develop on and off the field, then don’t expect much development of them as a person.
2. I want my team and club to get stronger and more competitive:
But at whose expense? What if at tryouts there were several new players and those new players took the spots that your kid was supposed to have on the “A” team? If you are truly wanting your team and club to grow, then you have to accept that new players will join the club…and you should welcome that. At the end of the day, as a parent, you have to model the team-first mentality, even though it might temporarily hurt your own child’s team placement and feelings. No doubt this is a tough predicament, so what do you do if you feel like your child in on the…(see next point)
3. Wrong Team?? Accept the Challenge:
If your kid is placed on a team that you don’t feel is right, call the coach and ask her what are some things she needs to work on. And then tell your kid to work her butt off every day to show the coach that you are willing to work. It’s easy to go find a club these days where your kid would make the “A” team. But what that’s teaching them is not to face a challenge, but to run away from it and find a more palatable answer. And guess what will happen 20 years from now when they face a more difficult challenge??? Teach them to face the challenge now, so that 20 years from now they are telling their own children how they faced adversity head on. Help give them a story they are proud to tell. Don’t swoop in and be the hero every time. Let them be the hero of their own story.
4. Don’t choose to stay or leave because of a certain coach:
Look, I think I’m a pretty decent coach, but you’re not always going to get a great coach like me:) In all seriousness, they are going to have varying levels of coaches, and life doesn’t always hand your kids what they want, but it sometimes hands them what they NEED. Be patient. Most coaches are really good people and they take a lot of time away from their own families and friends just to coach your kids, and most with very little pay. Allow your kid to navigate different coaching styles. No one is perfect.
5. Don’t be a serial club hopper.
There are reasons to move to or from a club (see below), but if you are hopping just to see what’s out there and trying to find greener pasture, try looking at the grass you are standing on and weed and feed it. When you feed and water and take care of the grass you are on, it means that you are investing time and energy into developing your skills. And in the same breath, there will be weeds on that very ground, and you will need to work just as hard to constantly pull out the weeds that are hindering your growth. Remember, just like a skill, grass starts as a singular seed; what you choose to do with those seeds will determine how healthy the ground beneath your feet is. Be where your feet are and make your own grass a little more green each day.
6. I pledge allegiance to the club…
It’s important that your kid forms strong bonds with teammates and has allegiance to a club, and gives back to that very club to help create a positive culture. Allow your child to grow some roots (I’m sticking with the grass metaphor for one more point). Loyalty these days is a fading art form, and it would be nice to bring that back.
There are reasons to move to a different club if…
The club/coach fosters an unhealthy physical and/or unsafe psychological environment
The current club does not challenge your child, nor do they offer opportunities to play up, etc. (This is usually seen in smaller clubs)
On a regular basis, your child hates going to practice and is not having any fun (This could also be that your child no longer likes the sport–eek!)
Obvious one here–the club does not have enough players for your age group
At the end of the day, we all need to remind ourselves that tryouts are part of the process of growing and learning, and that there is no real beginning or end. The highs and lows and tears and smiles are all part of this ongoing game of life. As a parent, it is your job to help your young player navigate through all the highs and lows. But one last tip: don’t walk in front of them and mow the grass down (ok, so one more grass reference). Walk with them just enough for them to know you are there to support them every step of the way so that one day, without them realizing it, they will step forward to make their own path. And in that snapshot of a moment you will know that all those tryouts were hard, but they were worth it. President Theodore Roosevelt said it best:
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”
Youth Sports: How Did We Get Here?
Why Are Sports So Transactional and How Did We Get Here?
The easy answer is because we (coaches, players, parents, fans) all want to win, and when our team scores more points/goals/runs or scores less points (golf) or has a better time, we celebrate. We get something from this win, whether that be satisfaction for a job well done, or as a reward for all the hard work we put in. We give something and we get something back in return, which is transactional.
So, how did we get here? Again, an easy answer. Just walk up to almost any youth baseball, soccer, football, basketball, you name the sport game or tournament and you’ll find your answer. You’ll see the dad that drops his head when his son strikes out, or the mom who slaps the arm of her rocking lawn chair on the sidelines when her daughter makes an errant pass. We’ve all seen it, and likely, we’ve all done some form of this, myself included.
But why? Consciously, we are well aware that our 9-year-old isn’t perfect and will make mistakes, so why do we get SO upset? I’ve got two reasons:
We hate to see our kids fail, even though we know it’s good for them. We want to protect them from harm. We want to protect them from embarrassment.
AND
We want to protect ourselves from embarrassment, because we often see our kids as a reflection of us. We are transactional. We are embarrassed that there wasn’t a desired end result. Ouch…
And this is where I have to remind myself to grow up. Just think about this–your kids feel embarrassed because we are embarrassed of them. Do you think they would actually feel embarrassed if we, the adults, didn’t also feel embarrassed, or that they let us down?
No, they wouldn’t. We didn’t start out this way when our kids first made mistakes. We actually cheered them on. No, seriously, we cheered LOUD, HARD, and somewhat obnoxiously when they tried, and then failed.
Remember when your baby first started learning how to walk? Me, too. It was amazing, exhilarating, joyful, and memorable. When babies first learn to walk, they will fall a thousand times. They will fail a thousand times. They will keep going for a thousand more. At each step they take, we cheer them on! We encourage them! We even report out their daily progress in steps: Little Johnny took 10 steps today!
When kids are babies and toddlers, we celebrate their efforts because we know that the building blocks of true transformation happen with encouragement through adversity.
Kids don’t suddenly play and perform for transactional purposes. They are put on a stage in front of us adults and instructed to dance, and maybe, just maybe if you get it right we will cheer for you. But if they don’t get it right, the cheers will cease. The end result is that they won’t try the hard dance, or maybe the end result is that they will stop dancing altogether.
So maybe the question shouldn’t be “How did we get here?” but, “How do we get out of here?”
Answer: Coaches, Parents, and Fans, celebrate the effort. Encourage mistakes, because failure is the only option that will lead to success in the long run. Transactions have an endpoint, but transformation has no statute of limitations. Cheer for your kids as if they are learning how to walk for the first time, every time, minus the “baby talk” of course:)
Breadcrumbs
(A point of emphasis this spring for my college soccer team has been to get outside their comfort zones and make mistakes. We quickly realized that they were fearful of making mistakes. But why??
And then I spent the weekend at my daughter’s soccer tournament, roaming from field to field, taking in all of the sights and (mostly) sounds, which is when I remembered…Oh yeah, this is why…)
I hope you’ll enjoy reading my latest blog, and I hope you’ll also enjoy my 10-year-olds debut blog at the end, titled: Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes.
Breadcrumbs
Parents of young athletes, What are you doing??!!?!?! Wake UP!!!!!! For God’s sake, come on!!!! Are you even trying??!! Why are you wasting all of our time and money??!! Do you even care?!?!?!
A bit harsh? I agree. But, yet, these are just a sample of comments that I have heard from the sidelines of my kids games, ages 8-11 years-old over the past few years.
So I’ll answer the question “What are you doing??” Answer: You are ruining your kids’ sports experience.
If you are screaming at kids the same way you are screaming at professionals playing sports on tv, stop. Stop living through them. Stop being embarrassed by their mistakes and losses. Just stop. Your kids are hearing the message that they need to perform, and to win games so their parents will approve (aka love) them.
Your kids are constantly seeking your approval, whether you think it or not. But, if they are constantly seeking your approval with their wins, trophies, and performances, you are leaving them a trail of breadcrumbs that has no end.
And then, if they haven’t quit playing sports by middle school like 70% of our youth, they begin to chase scholarships, thinking, Surely this will satisfy my parents’ return on investment for all the time and money they have dumped into me? But it won’t. The trail of breadcrumbs just gets longer….
The breadcrumbs lead them to a college team, and by now they have begun to form their own opinions based on their past environment and lived experiences. And when things don’t go their way; they don’t get the playing time they think they deserve; they don’t feel valued by their coach….they start to say things about their coach like: “What are they doing??!! Are they even trying?!?! Do they even care about me??!!”
That trail of breadcrumbs truly never ends.
So what can we do? For one, stop yelling at sporting events, unless you are yelling encouragement. Stop yelling at players, coaches, referees, and opponents. Start encouraging players, coaches, referees, and, yes, even opponents.
Encourage players when they try something in a game. Encourage them when they are down. Encourage them to listen to their coach. Encourage the process and encourage them especially when they make mistakes. Performing well feels good. Winning is nice. Scholarships are cool. But end results are performance based, and when all of the encouragement is strictly based on performance, kids begin to feel less than when they don’t produce the desired end result. And the trail of breadcrumbs continues.
And if you are a parent that encourages, you’ll notice something interesting. You’ll notice your kid encouraging her teammates. You’ll notice her trying her hardest. You’ll notice her making mistakes and recovering from them. You’ll notice she enjoys the process of working hard and growing her skills as a player. You’ll notice she picks up her teammates when they are down. You’ll notice she supports those around her, and doesn’t put them down. You will notice her being a great teammate.
When I watch a player, I notice attitude, effort, and how coachable she is. When I talk with players and parents, I notice how they interact and what they say. I’m not just looking for a great player; I am looking for a great teammate.
So my questions to you, whether you are a parent, coach, player or fan, are: What do you notice and where do your breadcrumbs lead to?
Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes
by Quinn Allen
Have you ever felt so embarrassed when you make a mistake? Well you shouldn’t. Mistakes are a normal thing and it shouldn’t be embarrassing like one time in a soccer game you get a handball and they get a free kick and score. And yeah it might seem embarrassing but everyone is fine with it. They know that they make mistakes too and that it happens.
Or if you go the wrong way in basketball it’s fine. You don’t catch the ball in baseball or softball, it’s ok. It happens.
What do you think? There is no possible way people can be perfect. No way Jose! And yes there may be sometimes when you think that there are people who are perfect but no, nobody is perfect.
And hey you’re always going to have times when you think people are better than you but we are all equal and we all make mistakes. They happen and you shouldn’t be embarrassed because it’s ok.
You should celebrate when people make mistakes and learn from your mistakes.
Good Leaders Make Mistakes
As Leaders, we do our best to make good decisions because making good decisions, typically, leads to positive results. But, I would argue that making a bad, or wrong, decision is often as impactful as making the right decision. To be clear, I am not saying you should actively try to make a bad decision. But, just like in losing, sometimes we learn the most from our bad decisions, which we label as mistakes. Let me give you a small example:
Years ago, on a drive back home by myself with my then two young daughters, I packed a small snack for each of them. I was low on Goldfish snacks, so decided to give one the Goldfish, and the other Cheez-its. I thought this was a perfectly good solution, until about halfway home my 2 year old wanted my 3 year old’s Goldfish because she didn’t have any! And of course my 3 year old didn’t want to share! The last 30 minutes of that drive was quite possibly the longest 30 minutes of my life. Lesson learned: next time split the Goldfish. This was a simple mistake with a simple solution for next time.
To be successful, Leaders have to make decisions every day. Some are easy decisions, (like packing snacks) and some are harder. And without a doubt, sometimes the wrong decision is made. But this is what makes a good leader, because leaders inevitably know they will make mistakes, but they are not paralyzed by this fear. Fear causes us to hesitate, but good leaders must be decisive, confident, and make a decision based upon what they think is best at that time. Right or wrong, a leader is always moving forward. HOWEVER, when a leader makes a mistake, she acknowledges it, takes responsibility for it, and learns from it…and moves forward.
The path to success is not a clear path. It is a maze. It’s exciting, challenging, and sometimes frustrating. Sometimes the decision you make can lead you down the wrong path, but that is part of the journey. Mistakes are part of the journey. The fear of making a mistake will get you nowhere, and most certainly won’t get you through the maze! Leaders know that in order to learn and move forward, they must not fear making mistakes.
Every crossroad on the path is an opportunity for growth, and Leaders are willing to learn from good decisions and bad decisions alike. At the end of the day, growth is growth, no matter how it is learned. So do not let the fear of making a mistake stop you on your path to success. Just make sure to pack plenty of Goldfish.
Stay tuned for the next blog on MISTAKES, which will come from a special guest writer–my 10-year-old daughter!
Values, Beliefs, and Goals
Values, Beliefs, and Goals are all great and purposeful, but what’s the difference between them, and how do they intersect with each other?
A goal is a desired ambition with an end result. Goals have an endpoint and are outcome-based. They are finite. Goals are great because they give us something to strive for. They give us direction. And, goals can be changed and (gasp) unmet. Typically, we edit our goals when they are unmet, were unrealistic to begin with, or can’t be obtained in the timeframe we originally set.
A belief is having confidence in someone or something, and it is an acceptance that something is true or exists. Beliefs inspire, cast vision, and give hope. In many ways, belief is a mindset. In some ways, belief can be a temporary truth, which means beliefs can be malleable. What one believes to be true in a moment can change because of experiences or new knowledge gained.
As a mindset, one can’t half-a$# belief and then be mad when that belief doesn’t come to fruition. Similar to a goal, lack of achievement IN THAT MOMENT doesn’t mean the goal won’t happen, or that the belief isn’t true. It may simply mean, not YET and certainly not ALL the time. Let me give you an example:
When I am in the driveway shooting baskets with my 8-year-old and he’s laying some bricks, I might say to him, “I believe in you. You can make this shot.” And then he might repeat what I said, release the ball, and..clank…he misses again. To that comes a temper-tantrum infused “See, I told you I can’t make it!!”
Does this mean that the belief in himself didn’t work? No, it doesn’t. He can make the shot, but the“opponent” against him at that moment was Doubt. Belief is a mindset that something is true, but maybe not all the time. Again, belief is confidence that something can and will happen–maybe soon, maybe later. A goal can help give belief an end point. Doubt is the enemy of belief. Doubt says, “I don’t think you can do this.” Belief says, “You can do this.”
And, to be fair, as I stated earlier, beliefs can change. How so? What if scientists proved tomorrow that the world is, in fact, FLAT, and you can fall off the face of the Earth. Yikes. So, at this point, you can choose what to believe.
Now let’s talk about Values. If you are a person who Values the truth, and you just found out the world is, without a single shred of an ounce of doubt, flat, you might change your belief.
Values are: A person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. Values are what guide a person’s actions; and, typically, a person’s values are (hopefully) what’s amplified in challenging circumstances or adversity.
So how do Values fit into all of this? Values drive behavior and actions associated with beliefs and goals. If we can imagine an old school Rand-Mcnally road map, the goal is the desired location. Belief is closing your eyes and imagining a perfectly smooth 8 hour car ride where the kids all sing songs together, there are no cookie crumbs in the seat cracks, and you only stop twice on the entire trip to pee and set up a picnic with your pre-packed sandwiches. I don’t know about you, but that’s an inspiring vision that belief has given me! Belief is having confidence that it could happen….one day. Where your Values come in is when someone has to pee just 45 minutes into the drive, and before even one song can be sung, everyone is arguing about which song to play. Your Values are like your own personal Jiminy Cricket, hanging out, reminding you, “Hey, remember when we said that we aren’t going to be a family that screams at each other when things go wrong?” Your Values hold you accountable to, well, yourself.
So, your destination (Goal) may change, and your vision (Belief) of how your trip to your destination may have to change, but, in that moment, your Values don’t. Because remember, your Values are standards of behavior…and they are amplified in challenging circumstances or adversity. Think of your Values as the compass on the map; they guide you in the right direction. You might hit a speed bump, traffic, or construction which might delay or reroute you, but Values remind you: Hey calm down, we are still going in the right direction. Riding someone’s bumper, honking, yelling, accelerating, braking, won’t help.
Values don’t ask for our circumstances to change; they guide us in how to react when our circumstances do change, because they inevitably will.
What are your Values? Why are they important to you? How would you define them? What do your Values look like in action? If you haven’t yet thought about this, I encourage you to carve out time to do so. If you aren’t sure where to start, no worries, I got you. Click on the link below for a step by step guide that will walk you through Establishing Your Values. You can use this for yourself, your team, church, school, and any other organization you are with!
As always, if I can be of service, please let me know!
https:/www.firstteammateleadership.com/resources/p/establish-your-culture-and-values
PS - Shout out to my friend, Alicia, of Arrow Alliance for the great conversation surrounding life and Values. Alicia is a business owner and “Executive Coach for the impact-driven woman,” and I can tell you from personal experience that she is a great guide! Check her out at: https://arrowalliance.coach/
A Whole New World
Navigating Trust in the Evolving Landscape that is College Athletics
By now, I am sure you have all heard about the Long Beach State Men’s basketball coach, Dan Monson, who was fired before the conference tournament, then proceeded to win the conference tournament and earn a spot in the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. What a story of inspiration (and maybe even redemption) for coach Monson and his team, right??!! Coach Monson dealt with this situation with class and, for his efforts, the gods of basketball rewarded him.
But not so fast, said Long Beach State Athletics Director, Bobby Smitheran’s. Upon Long Beach State winning the conference tournament, Smitheran’s actually took CREDIT for inspiring the team: “My belief and the hope is that by doing what I did and the timing of it, they would play inspired, and that’s what they did.”
Talk about rubbing salt in the wound…And the twitter world erupted, and did its thing. One could say Smitheran’s was blown to smithereens. Rightfully so.
This is just one example of the craziness that is college athletics, which begs the question, Who can we trust? To go a few steps further, What is trust? How do we get it? How can we foster trust in a seemingly unstable and unpredictable environment where AD’s are taking credit for inspiring a team to win their conference tournament and dance their way into the NCAA tournament by…firing the head coach??
These are the questions plaguing leaders, and the questions that we need to do our best to answer. In the dynamic world of college athletics, where universities are closing and merging, players are transferring left and right, and coaches are retiring and turning over in record numbers, cultivating trust becomes paramount for athletes, coaches, and administrators. And, just as fragile as Trust can be, its powers to stabilize, support, and secure can also be the antidote to that fragility.
Let’s delve into how we can navigate the challenges and foster trust in this ever-evolving landscape. The intricate web of relationships between athletes, coaches, and administrators demands a foundation of Trust built on 5 Core Principles, which I have outlined with a cool Acronym using, you guessed it, the word TRUST.
T - Transparency - One of the cornerstones of any relationship, team, or organization is transparency. Prioritizing open and honest communication amongst coaches, players, administrators, and other stakeholders, such as parents, is necessary. Being truthful and transparent builds credibility. Truth and transparency weave together intricate patterns of thoughts and behaviors and allows us all to see the greater picture and purpose; and when we can all clearly see the design, we can all collectively see the truth. We can trust because we can see everything. Transparency and honesty, over time, will support our true motive and intent, which is crucial for trust to be maintained.
R - Reliability - At the core of truth is reliability, which is a cornerstone of trust. Reliability allows individuals to rely on the accuracy and authenticity of open communication. When individuals are authentic with their words and actions, intent is proven to be reliable. In other words, if communication is found out not to be true, or if there is an ulterior motive, there can be no reliability. Reliability is a commitment to honesty on a consistent basis, not just once in a while.
U - Understanding - Understanding plays a pivotal role in trust as it bridges the gap between a multitude of perspectives because, if we believe that honesty is necessary, then we must also understand that our thoughts and opinions can, and will, differ. When we seek first to understand, we actively listen, seek clarity, and empathize with those diverse experiences and perspectives. Through learning to understand, we can transcend barriers, broaden the depth of our knowledge, and uncover truths, which may be similar to our own truths, and may be different. Trusting someone does not mean you have to agree; it means you have to be open to understanding why you might disagree.
S - Sharing - Although we must seek first to understand, we must also be a willing, open, and honest participant in dialogue. We cannot have shared experiences if only one person/side is sharing. When we share our own truths, we render ourselves vulnerable, which creates space for meaningful dialogue, connection, and growth. We cannot expect transparency from others if we are not willing to share pieces of ourselves. Authentic sharing amplify’s the impact of truth, which leads to greater levels of trust.
T - Time - While we might all wish that trust could happen overnight, it doesn’t. Time invites reflection and evolution, and it acts as a silent witness, meticulously shaping our perceptions and illuminating different facets of truth. Without time, we cannot truly assess the reliability of supposed transparent communication. Truths that were once hidden may surface, influenced by changing perspectives and contexts. Quite simply, without time, we cannot truly assess levels of trust. Time is the great revealer of truth. The fastest way to build Trust is to take your time.
To help show what Trust looks like in action, I give you what is likely one of the greatest cinematic portrayals of Trust in the 1992 Disney hit movie, “Aladdin.”
The scene:
Aladdin is dressed like a “real” Prince, and is talking with Princess Jasmine on her balcony, trying to woo her. At first, Aladdin stumbles with his words, trying to impress Jasmine, but she is having none of it, and casts him aside “like every stuffed shirt, swaggering peacock she’s ever met,” and she walks away. In that moment, Aladdin’s genie, disguised as a bee, reminds Aladdin to “Remember, beeeee yourself,” and what happens next is that Aladdin breaks down Princess Jasmine’s walls with the transparency of his words and his understanding of her situation. Aladdin is authentically himself, and after a little more chit chat with Jasmine, he asks her if she wants to go for a ride on his magic carpet. Jasmine pauses, considers the option, and asks Aladdin, “Is it safe?” To which Aladdin replies, “Sure, do you trust me?”
We then watch as Jasmine looks at him curiously, and asks “What?” and, again, Aladdin asks, “Do you trust me?”
If you have never seen Aladdin, you might be thinking (besides the fact that it’s a magical Disney movie and anything can happen) Why would Jasmine go on this magic carpet ride with someone she just met and doesn’t yet trust? She could fall off or be kidnapped? Sure, Aladdin seems nice and sincere, and understands what Jasmine is going through, which are part of the Core Principles of Trust, but they just met, and need more time!!!
But did they just meet? No, this is not the first time Aladdin has asked Jasmine that very question. He asked it to her when Jasmine only knew Aladdin as a beggar off the streets as they were attempting to evade the guards. Jasmine had experienced trust with Aladdin, and she felt it in her core.
Watch here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWaIxpjDGL4
What is trust? Trust is a feeling that, over time, will lead us to have confidence in ourselves, in other people, and in our decisions.
Yes, trust can be hard to both relinquish and assess if it’s been earned, but it can also bring you on a magic carpet ride. Just don’t invite Bobby Smitheran.
The Real Caitlin Clark Effect
Caitlin Clark has changed the landscape of college basketball, particularly for women’s college basketball, in so many ways. Like a traveling circus, she has attracted fans from all corners of the Earth to witness the greatest show on hardwood. She has single-handedly increased ticket prices and performed in sold out gyms to anyone wanting to catch a glimpse of her.
We are mesmerized by her talent. She’s good. She’s strong. She’s magic. She knows who she is and what she’s doing. She’s confident, but not cocky. She’s honest, but doesn’t point the finger of blame. The seismic shift of what she is doing for women’s basketball can be compared to the influence that the ‘99 Women’s World Cup Champions had on women’s soccer.
Young girls look up to her in awe. In Caitlin, they can see themselves. They can dream, but no longer have to wonder if it’s possible, because they know it is. They can see Caitlin in the flesh. They can wear her jersey. They can pretend to be Caitlin in their driveway, with time winding down, throwing up a seemingly impossible shot to win the championship game. And for this mom of two girls, seeing yet another strong, positive female role model makes me smile.
But her influence doesn’t stop with my girls.
A few nights ago, I was playing Uno with my 8-year-old son, and a commercial with Caitlin Clark came on the tv in the background. My son looked at me and asked, “Will Caitlin Clark play in the NBA?”
Me: “No, she will play in the WNBA.”
Son: “Will she play against the Lakers and the Pacers?”
Me: “No, it’s a different league, just like the NBA, but for women only.”
Son: “Well she’s the best player in college basketball and she should play for the Lakers.”
She’s the best player in college basketball.
Not the best player in women’s college basketball; the best player in college basketball.
It was at that moment that I took off MY blinders and saw Caitlin Clark’s influence through my son’s eyes. He was seeing her as a really good basketball player, and as an equal to Lebron. I wanted so badly to see Caitlin Clark as an influence for my girls, that I subconsciously limited her reach to just young girls. I had picked a side and put her in a box, and limited her influence.
But me and you do this all the time, don’t we? Subconsciously or overtly, we ask: Are you for or against? Are you in or out? Do you agree or not agree? Whose side are you on?? Who should Caitlin influence??
Answer: Everyone. If my daughter can imagine she is Kobe outside shooting hoops, then my son can imagine he is Caitlin.
When we put blinders on and put each other into boxes, we limit beliefs, which limits reach, which limits influence.
Maybe some of you are thinking, we’ve catered enough to boys. They have enough role models to look up to. Just let Caitlin be a role model for young girls. Pick a side.
But, the truth of the matter is, we need my son to experience her as a role model so that he grows up experiencing females in the same and equal light as males; so that he grows up to be an advocate for equality; so that he grows up to fight for those who don’t look like him; so that he steps out of his box and invites others to do the same.
If we want to continue to see sellout crowds in women’s sports, we need to invite everyone in. If we want to see less division and more support for each other, we need to allow the “other side” into our homes, lives, thoughts, and conversations.
We may not always agree, and that’s ok, but if we want the best for everyone, and we want equality for everyone, we need our girls AND boys to see Caitlin Clark for the superstar and Leader she is. We need everyone to imagine Caitlin Clark in a Lakers jersey playing on the same court as Lebron and Kobe.
Caitlin Clark is a Leader, and leadership is influence, and influence certainly has no limits.
Caitlin Clark’s influence in more than just basketball.
That is the Real Caitlin Clark Effect.
Photo by Jon Mack
Fish Sticks and Cheese Pizza
It’s Lent, so of course we have fish sticks and cheese pizza!
During Lent, many Christians observe a period of fasting, self-denial, discipline, sacrifice, and reflection. To me, and many other kids growing up with these beliefs, what it really meant was that you had to choose something to give up for 40 days–maybe a habit, or maybe something that would really test your will. So we did. Usually it was candy; sometimes it was refraining from talking back; or maybe it was giving up saying bad words. Either way, it was a sacrifice.
And of course, there was always fish sticks and cheese pizza on Friday because we had to refrain from eating meat. This was another testament to our deep sacrifice during this Lenten period. And for many years, I proudly sacrificed during this time. Not eating chocolate or candy for 40 days is hard, and there was never enough tartar sauce to drown out those soggy/burnt fish sticks!
But then one year into college life, I had a friend ask me, “Why do you give up something for 40 days and not eat meat on Friday’s?”
I answered something like, “It’s symbolic of the time Jesus wandered into the wilderness for 40 days and so we mimic this sacrifice.”
Friend: “Why did He wander into the wilderness for 40 days?”
Me: “I think to pray and reflect?”
Friend: “Pray and reflect, but why?”
Me: …………
Turns out, that was the question I should have been asking myself. I was giving up chocolate and candy, and eating fish sticks and cheese pizza on Friday’s, but WHY?
I knew Jesus wandered into the woods to pray and reflect; He didn’t just wander in, pitch a tent, and start a campfire just because. But why exactly did He wander there? Why exactly was I sacrificing?
And at that point I realized it wasn’t just about the sacrifice. There had to be a purpose, or motivation. There had to be a reason why. That is where the reflection comes in - there has to be sacrifice AND reflection.
When we sacrifice, we should also be reflecting why we are sacrificing. What is the reason? Purpose and motivation sustain, and give meaning to, our sacrifices. Without reflection, there is no reason, purpose, or motivation; and our sacrifices soon turn into a revolving door of New Year’s Resolutions.
If you are a coach, player, parent, administrator, or person, take time to reflect on all that you are doing, especially the sacrifices; because your purpose gives the fuel as to WHY you are sacrificing, which fuels them for the long term.
Sacrifice AND Reflection.
What are the reasons you are eating fish sticks and cheese pizza on a Friday night??
An Attitude of Gratitude
If your weekend weather was anything like mine, you likely started off in hats, gloves, and multiple clothing layers as you sledded down the nearest snow-covered hill, and then progressed to a t-shirt and shorts playing basketball outside just two days later. Isn’t it amazing how warm it can feel when the sun is shining brightly and it’s 52 degrees outside?? But yet, just two days prior, it was 16 degrees with relentless snowfall for several hours. And you know if we were in July, 52 degrees and sun would feel like winter at that point!
How can 52 degrees with full sun feel completely different in two different seasons?? It’s called perspective, which is defined as: “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.”
Our perspective changed because our attitude changed. We were so welcoming of the sun and warmth, compared to the 16 degrees of cold just days ago, and were so grateful for it. We were experiencing an Attitude of Gratitude.
Pretty powerful perspective shift that WE have the power to change!
In Gratitude to YOU, you can download my Attitude of Gratitude guide for FREE by going to the “Store” tab.
Are You A Die-hard Fan?
The tension was palpable. The stakes were high. I sat on the edge of the bleachers in a small, crowded gym, watching the time tick down in the 2nd quarter …
The tension was palpable. The stakes were high. I sat on the edge of the bleachers in a small, crowded gym, watching the time tick down in the 2nd quarter of the youth CYO (Catholic Youth Organization) basketball game that was tied 4-4. A fan from the opposing team sat a mere few feet away from me, whining, complaining, and questioning every call that didn’t go in his team’s favor. We’ve all experienced this fan. He complained about EVERYTHING.
He would throw his hands in the air and look around to his fellow comrades garnering support for his belief at just how terrible these refs were. I stared at him, hoping he would catch my glare, and my discontent for his ridiculous outrage at the referees’ calls. I was secretly hoping for a chance to relay, mostly through telekinesis, that he needed to chill out. Sadly, he never felt my brainwaves.
But then…slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, his complaining slowed, then stopped. He then began cheering more positively, praising good efforts on the court, clapping joyfully when the girls took a shot at the basket, and his general disposition towards the referees’ more “questionable” calls improved to portray a more graceful fan, accepting that maybe, just maybe the referees are also trying their best.
So what happened? Was this one of the Lord’s mysterious and unbelievable miracles unfolding right in front of us? I mean this was CYO! But alas, no, this was not a burning bush. The change in this man’s demeanor was in direct correlation to the steady lead that his kid’s team had accumulated over the next 2 quarters.
Now, to be fair, I genuinely think he was there to cheer on his kid and the team. I think this guy likely has some good Values. And those Values were easy to display when things were going well. But, when things weren’t so much in his, or his team’s favor, I saw a different person. I saw the not so great version of him. I saw his Values tested, and I saw his unpleasant response.
And this is the hard part about living our Values every day. When things are going well, it’s easy to be kind, respectful, honest, caring, cheerful, etc. etc. But when things DON’T go our way, that is when our Values are tested; and THAT is when they are needed the most. Your Values are amplified in times of adversity.
Your Values = WHO you are. But it’s not about what you value; it’s about living those values. You can’t say you value sportsmanship, but only show it when the game is going your way. You have to live your Values ALL THE TIME. The game isn’t always going to go your way. Life isn’t always going to go your way. But the one thing you have absolute control of is how you play the game.
So, win or lose, choose to play the game the right way. Don’t we be a fair-weather fan for your own Values. Be a die-hard fan.
Seatbelts Save Lives
Seatbelts save lives…
Wait, but do they? All lives? All the time? That’s quite the grandiose statement, and I am sure we are all well aware that this is not 100% true. So does this mean we shouldn’t wear seatbelts? Is safety an illusion that seatbelts have created??!! Is there anything that can keep us safe??!! Is safety just an illusion??
I recently attended a retreat where we had to select a picture that symbolized a proverbial weight that we had been holding onto; and one that we needed to let go of. I was drawn to a picture of a house on fire, and in the foreground there was a firefighter with an older lady looking on as the fire blazed. They stood there frozen, staring, a million thoughts racing through their heads. How could this have happened? Aren’t smoke detectors supposed to keep this from happening? As I looked at that picture, I thought, Safety Is An Illusion.
There’s nothing, or no one, that can keep us completely safe. So what’s the point in trying, right?
Wrong. The point of life is to try and do your best. That’s what seatbelts do. They try to keep you safe. Smoke detectors try to keep you safe. Tornado sirens try to keep you safe. Hard hats on a construction site try to keep you safe. These things all help to diminish risk, but not completely prevent it at all costs.
But you know what else can help keep you safe–even safer than seatbelts? A Community of safe people. In a Community of people in whom you trust to support, encourage, and challenge you, safety is not an illusion. It is a lighthouse. When accidents happen, your Community comes to your rescue. A Community of these kinds of people is the best seatbelt you will ever find. These seatbelts DO, in fact, save lives.
So get in the car with your people and buckle up, because, inevitably, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.