Awareness and Empowerment
Wednesday was the first day of school for my 3 kids, and I anxiously awaited their arrival off the bus, and couldn’t wait to ask them how their first day of school went and hear all the details.
Me: “How was your first day??!!”
Them:
“My teacher is so nice!”
“I hate the bus ride!”
“School was boring, as usual.”
Sound familiar? I got all the emotions, which was a great start, but I wanted more. I wanted to know about WHY one thought their teacher was so nice, and WHY the other hated the bus ride, and WHY the other thought school was boring. But it was my fault because I didn’t ask the right question(s). I wanted to know details about their day, not just their feelings about their days. Feelings are great, but sometimes we can linger in a feeling for too long because it’s safe or comfortable. Feelings are almost always associated with an action, and it’s important to understand how actions can affect feelings. Why is this important? It’s important because, as Leaders, it is essential to relate to people AND to know how to take actionable steps forward. It’s important to build awareness and empowerment.
When we ask, “How was your day/practice/meeting?” We are focusing on the feelings surrounding the day/meeting/practice. And, yes, how we all feel is important, but we need to understand why we feel a certain way, and what were the actions associated with. This is paramount because we want to repeat actions and behaviors that lead to positive emotions. We also want to recognize actions and behaviors that lead to “negative” emotions. Understanding what actions we have control over is crucial so that we can repeat OR change them.
As a coach, I am often asking my players to evaluate their training sessions and game performances afterwards to help give both themselves and me insight. And that’s when the lightbulb went off. Why don’t I try this with my kids??
So an hour or so later, I corralled two of my kids and asked them a few questions that I often ask my players at various checkpoints throughout the season. They are:
What went well today?
What didn’t go well today?
What can you change for tomorrow that you have control over?
Folks, the floodgates opened! We laid on the couch as they took turns telling me more and more details about their days - the good and the bad! I learned more about their classes and friend interactions and we began to sift through their emotions, and sort through WHAT they had the ability to change. As a side note, I had to remind them that they could only change what THEY had control over. Aka: Yes, you still have to wake up and go to school tomorrow:)
Asking these 3 simple questions is truly a great tool to help someone evoke self-awareness. Asking action-oriented questions makes someone truly think about what happened vs a general state or feeling.
Typically, I do this with my players at various checkpoints throughout the season, both formally and informally, but I obviously can’t do this every day with all of my players. But what they can do is ask these questions to themselves. Doing this empowers them to make necessary changes, because each individual is responsible for their own emotions, not anyone else in their life. It’s not true that someone can make you mad. No other person can give us agency over our own feelings, but it IS important to recognize the actions that led to this feeling. No one is responsible for your anger besides you; just like no one is responsible for your happiness, besides you.
I get it, though. I’m also a mom and have often used the phrase “My kids make me so frustrated sometimes!” But they don’t. I choose frustration. Just like I could choose to ignore them. Or I (should) choose to be an adult and calmly respond to them. My children should not bear the responsibility and the weight of my emotions, because then they will begin to sing and dance with their behaviors and actions just to make sure I don’t get mad. Or they will skate on fragile ice just to make sure I am happy and in a good mood. When you teach others that their actions and behaviors dictate other people’s feelings, you are teaching them that they have little to no control over their own. As a Leader, your job is to empower others, not deceive and manipulate others into holding the weights of your decisions and emotions.
This leads me to the last two questions you should be asking yourself, your players, your kids, and really anyone else in your circle. While self awareness is of the utmost importance, it is also important to recognize that, as Leaders and as humans, our goal should be to Lead and serve others.
So the next question to ask is: “What did you do FOR or WITH someone today?” This is a really simple question to pose, and if you are struggling to answer it’s because of one of two reasons. 1. You really didn’t do something for or with anyone today….ouch. HOWEVER, I would argue that this is usually not the case and 2. You are being too hard on yourself :) My suggestion when thinking about this is to start simple. Did you ask someone how their day was? Did you sit with someone? Did you hold a door open for another person? Did you share a funny gif? All of these are examples of either doing something FOR or WITH another person. Yes, even sharing that funny gif is an example because you thought that particular person or persons would enjoy it. You wanted to be in community WITH them.
To provide a more clear perspective of WITH and FOR, the opposite would be doing something TO or AT another person. Did you Yell AT someone? Did you make fun of someone? Did you spread a rumor or gossip about someone? That’s certainly not WITH or FOR someone else.
And last, make sure you ask yourself, who are the people in my life that do things WITH or FOR me. This isn’t selfish. This is surrounding yourself with people who will support, encourage, and empower you. This is YOU CHOOSING an action, which will lead to a POSITIVE feeling.
As many of us are getting back into the swing of new teams and a new school year, this is often a good time to reset and ask yourself “How can I better lead myself and others?” I would encourage you to start with these questions:
What went well today?
What didn’t go well today?
What can you change for tomorrow that you have control over?
What did you do FOR or WITH someone today?
Who are the people in your life that do things FOR or WITH you?
Asking questions that go beyond just emotion will help to invoke more awareness on all facets. Asking What can be changed empowers people to have control of their actions and reactions, which will lead to more confidence because they will believe they have power over their life vs someone/something having power over them. And finally, recognizing that, without people to lead, there would be no need for Leaders, so make sure you are WITH people who are also focused on doing FOR others.
Happy beginning of the school year!
Download the free PDF: 10 Questions You Can Ask to Build More Awareness and Empowerment below!
